A story of what living in survival mode can mean for some.
Deeper Layers of the Current Pandemic
The Coronavirus pandemic has brought society and the economy to a standstill. What do we do? Where do we go from here? Everyone scrambling to survive, businesses trying to stay afloat, health care systems at the brink, children and families falling through the cracks. We’ve had world events that made it feel like the world stopped, to grieve and process 9/11 for example, but this pandemic is rippling through the disadvantaged, causing chaos and waves of despair, igniting violence and triggering abuse within families and continuing to deepening the divide.
9/11 was when things drastically changed in my family.
Arriving home from school that day, my parents glued to the TV. My dad, holding his Victorian Crown Royal glass with it’s whiskey and coke cola, telling my mom this is going to affect so many people. Yelling, “they already sent everyone home for the day!” “Next is our jobs!” “We’re in danger!” Shaking his head, repeating himself often. Taking more sips of his drink. I wondered when he started drinking. Was the evening only going to get worse?
My father worked for Boeing. He got lucky when the first round of layoffs happened, but he knew his job was at risk. It wasn’t long until he too was let go.
Suddenly, our family was confronted with unfamiliar circumstances and faced with can we keep up? Will we go broke?
Between the sexual abuse already happening with 2 older brothers, the arguments, anger, and violence escalating, there was no safe corner of the house. School became my sanctuary.
Not only did food become scarce but getting any love and affection from parental family members was difficult. My mom getting the full brunt of my fathers parasitic and always pessimistic, angry personality, she became less and less emotionally available.
A family of 8, how could we survive? Mortgage bills piling up. Phases of electricity being turned off, Mom putting in more late night shifts. Dad drinking more, going out spending money we don’t really have and taking interest in drugs to escape his current reality. Getting bored and eventually joining in on what his sons were doing to his daughters. Until, one day he leaves and never comes back.
My heart breaks for all of the families that are suffering from the whiplash and spiraling of the Coronavirus. The unspoken collateral damage this is causing families. This deep seed of violence and abuse that can achingly bloom when survival is at the forefront. A conversation that gets little public attention and often goes unnoticed. A problem that flies under people’s radar and dangles right under their noses.
Silent screams at night manifesting into sleep disorders and sleeping at school.
Last nights hunger manifesting into taking an extra helping wherever possible at school or stealing food from the grocery store.
Day old bruises being hidden by always wearing long sleeve shirts even in the dead of summer.
Not having a coat in the winter.
Feeling so out of it, feeling like something is wrong with your body, manifesting into always being in the nurses office for stomach aches and headaches.
A child who is always tarty.
A child who is always on time. Becoming so perfect, scripted, a disguise or cover-up of a trauma or family secrets.
I know it’s not easy to pinpoint whether abuse is really happening. Sometimes the visual cues are hard to decipher, but intuition isn’t.
Intuition is visible. It’s the mind that intervenes.
A child who faces physical, sexual, and emotional abuse and neglect should not go unnoticed. We need to open our eyes wider, amplify our senses to see suspicious activity and get help.
This is not the time to weigh the choice between doing nothing and doing something. If you are ever uncertain on what to do, but everything in you is screaming, do something: call 911.
Often times we sit with it all; thinking, “oh, what’s that hotline number again?” Or “what agency in town can help with this?” Thinking we have to be diligent in who we take the matter to, when in reality, law enforcement will guide you through the appropriate channels.
The questions of what if I harm a family more by doing something, what if my suspicions are wrong? Instead, we need to think what if I help a family?
If we pause, the inner dialogue and decision weighing opens up. What if your inner voice just got in the way, dampening your suspicions and the urgency of taking action. When we take time to weigh, our brain will use that as an opportunity to stray you from doing something. Creating a story that you don’t need to intervene. Everything is fine, you think.
The contemplation of who do I call, only presents an issue, a particular storyline that creates the illusion that help is not needed and only adding more time for harm to be done within that family.
Call to Action
The next time you see something suspicious in your neighborhood; a child asking for food, or at a grocery store; a disheveled family making a scene or an adult grabbing a child that sends a sickening force to your stomach, call 911.
We do not have to be perfect in how help is provided, we just have to do something.
And if you are thinking: why intervene if a family may just be struggling? Know that if that is the case after an investigation they most likely will be provided information and resources they have yet been made aware of.
It’s possible it’s nothing, but it’s also possible, it’s something.
The helpers in the world, rarely take time weighing the pros and cons. Take time to wonder and ask all the questions of what if and why. They do. They protect. Social workers, health care professionals, law enforcement, teachers. (we love you and thank you)
We do not need to do distinguish between the known and unknown. We just have to act on the known. The feeling. It’s not our job as members of society to know what is exactly happening within the family. It’s not our job to fill the roles of law enforcement or social workers, it’s our job to just do something, when we see and feel something. Knowing the consequences of not acting are far grader than the what if I cause additional harm.
Overcome your own mental battles to help a family overcome trauma. You can begin to imprint hope and possibility, recovery and healing.
It’s not a matter of tossing a coin or weighing the risks, we must meet the discomfort, resistance and wonder, with action.
We need to stop weighing risk and ambiguity and instead without pause, do.
Reporting Avenues
If you need help figuring out who to call when you suspect child abuse or neglect and don’t want to flood law enforcement, link here will bring you to find your state & local child protection services phone number. Reports can be made anonymously.
Thank you for taking the time to step up for children and families in need.