Childhood Trauma and Anxiety: A Connection Made From A Panic Episode
“Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.” – Brené Brown
An Unsettling and Unexpected Moment
I’ve been dealing with anxiety since...well childhood. Growing up in an abusive environment created my anxiety. The feelings of heart pangs, worries, fears around living, death and dying, not knowing who I could trust.
My first official panic attack was in a college class during my undergrad. Some experience anxiety but never a full blown panic attack. In class, the lecture focused on social work safety. It felt like being launched in a race car feeling every gear shift and its enormous torque pushing me deeper into the seat of horror. My vision became blurry and my breath quickened. It lead to freaking out during the lecture, saying “somethings wrong with me” “I can’t breathe” and I quickly ran out of the room with the sudden feeling of wanting to fall over from weakness. It took everything in me to walk straight out the door knowing people (the whole classroom) was probably watching me.
A friend came to check on me and kept telling me “it’s okay” and to breathe. I wanted to yell, “it’s not okay” “I’m not okay!” I just felt so dazed. I heard her but couldn’t do exactly what she was telling me. The moment felt abnormal and terrifying, thinking I was quite literally dying. My heart was pounding and the fears worsened after feeling like death was approaching. I couldn’t grasp what was going on.
After concentrating on my breath I was able to calm down. The pounding heart and dizziness subsided. However, quickly began filling up with so much embarrassment. I didn’t return to class right away and waited till the next period, I felt unhinged and vulnerable. I told my friend to head back and I went to the bathroom and was consumed by a wave of thoughts, holding back tears.
Why is this happening? What is this? I tried to understand. I’m too young to die. I have so much I want to do.
Feelings from childhood resurfaced. The anxious breath and panic reenergizing stuck memories that laid dormant since childhood. I remembered times of trying to escape from abusers and being blocked from leaving a room, feeling stuck. Memories surfacing like it was the first time I had recalled it. I took some mental notes of that experience and began thinking about my future and it provided strength to understand this more and breathe better. Thinking of the future often is what helped me in my childhood, so it felt second nature to use that again as a calming mechanism. I began envisioning walking across the stage graduating with my Masters of Social Work.
I spoke to my professor, a licensed Specialist Clinical Social Worker (LSCSW) with a Ph.D. in psychology, after the class was dismissed. Briefly summarized here, he shared that he believed it was probably a panic attack due to the lecture topic (social work safety) and a connection with passed abuse always being in fight-or- flight mode constantly growing up. Panic attack? I had heard that before. I didn’t know a lot about it but knew enough for everything to click. This all began to make sense.
Damn you, abusers.
It was in that moment when I began to realize that you are never really free. Circumstances arise when you least expect them connecting you to the past and remembering details you honestly just want to shut away.
Similar experiences liked this happened over and over for me. Unfortunately many who have traumatic childhoods deal with memories surfacing when they least expect it, so many struggling with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or C-PTSD (the C, standing for complex). Over the years, the panic part has subsided and I attribute that to learning, processing, and coping each time experiences like this arise. I’ve learned that when anxiety or panic settles in, we need to tune in. It’s an opportunity to understand our trauma more and to practice our coping skills so the next time won't be as bad. I learned that these are the moment we can put in the work to heal.
Check out my blog post on 6 grounding practices that can be helpful during a panic episode or times of anxiety.
Till next time,